I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
