So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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