Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
