just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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