I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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