I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
