Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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