"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
