Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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