I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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