worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
