coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
