It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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