Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
