if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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