I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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