She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize