you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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