EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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