i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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