I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
