that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
