The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
