She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
