dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
