I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
