i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
