Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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