His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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