whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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