I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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