Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
