fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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