Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
