I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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