Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
