Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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