Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
