Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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