Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
