Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
