And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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