Im at strip club and am horny
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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