So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
