Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
