He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
