if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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