i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
