I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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