the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
