Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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