My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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