He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
