Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
