Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
