Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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