I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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