I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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