4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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