Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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