Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
