when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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