Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
