"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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