my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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