I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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